And Mass tonight...so holy beautiful...I just LOVE Holy Thursday Mass, and yes I did spend it out in the Narthex with the youngest two littles. I kept thinking...its ok...I will have my time with Jesus tonight. Our time...I look forward to this every year.
Its 8:45 pm and we load the littles in the van...and we drive home...and on the way I tell Justin how I plan on going to Eucharistic Adoration later in the night...because the Blessed Sacrament is exposed until midnight...and I'm always there.
I've always been there for three years.
"If the baby wakes up he'll need you. He'll be hysterical if he can't nurse and you know he won't take a bottle. I mean I guess you can take him, but I just don't think this is a year you can do it. I know how much it means to you."
I was looking out the window and I saw tvs on in the houses that we drove by.
Who am I Lord that you speak to me in these ways? That you show me how to love you. I immediately know...I'm not going to make a fuss. I'm not a saint, but I do know that as a mom and wife...you die to things.
I died to the desire.
"Are you ok?" Justin asked...unsure of the silence. "Are you upset with me?"
"I'm wonderful," I said.
Then...I thought...and said...
Who are we that God chose us to be part of this? On such a holy night...we know it is holy.
We were in communion with others and with Jesus. Do you see as we drive around these streets...how we are the ones out...we got to participate in ETERNAL tonight?
How is it that He chooses us?
Thank you God for the gift of our faith. Thank you for placing these desires on my heart...for taking me there...a holy longing.
It's 1112 pm. I'm at peace. God wants me home. God wants this more than trying to be difficult with my husband and whine or worse...sneak out. God wants this more than dragging my little baby out of slumber into a cold car to drive to Church. God knows the desires of my heart . That I LOVE so much this one night of the year. So...for me to have to give up this desire...this is my gift to you on Holy Thursday Jesus.
It's little and not much, but its for You.
So I'm posting this Saturday morning because my baby boy did end up waking up at 1145 looking for me, wanting to nurse. I fell asleep with him. Maybe this whole giving up the way you thought things should be is something you are good at doing already. I feel like I have been giving up things I want as a mom of littles for awhile...but that now...I'm giving up these things with joy. This gives me peace. I think the attitude...of having joy...is a sweet gift to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.