March has made good on her reputation for being fickle. There have been some warmer days with daffodils promising that spring really has come and there have been cold, windy days when March is in a different mood.
I am nesting. I am nesting in a way I haven't before as I feel this great weight of having a fifth daughter and what it means to help nurture her "whole" person. I don't mean weight..as in weight gain...but I feel this great "coming into" being a mother of daughters.
You would think four would have brought this revelation by now but somehow, it is this fifth one who has stirred currents that run deeper. I am spiritually nesting you could say, preparing for her has been more than just an organizing and purging and cleaning kind of nesting (although last night we fed a bunch of papers from years and years of moves into our fire).
She is challenging me as a woman.
It is this awakening of the feminine that isn't from four years at a military academy, and nine years in a uniform. It isn't about long hair and skirts and dangle earrings (things I needed then to HELP me feel like a lady). I have this pull to my hearth. I feel as if I am sweeping things away, making things pretty, that I am channeling my "Domestic Betty" I guess you could say. I have ALWAYS tried to make my home beautiful, but this little June baby is asking me for immersion.
What a luxury to even have these musings as I have a husband with a very good job and this allows me to be home full time. He WANTS me to be full time in our home.
I have had some very good conversations recently with friends and there was a particular section in Anthony Esolen's book (see my last post) that really struck me about our talents, who we use them for, what we are MAKING in here. This is a snip-it from his chapter on Restoring Womanhood: Building Homes, Not Houses. (WARNING: I am very USED to how Esolen writes. If your jaw drops while you read this, because he does just go there, I understand!)
"Consider what a mass of contradictions we are. If a woman arranges flowers for a living, she earns our congratulations even if she doesn't do anything else either because she doesn't know how or because she is too busy at her flower shop.
If a woman cooks fine Italian meals for a living...if her gnocchi, with their wonderful hundreds of calories, are famous all over town -- we sing her praises, even if when she gets home she is spent.
|My Delicious Birthday cake made by my mom!|
If a woman plays the violin for an orchestra or gives singing lessons, she can hope to find her name in the newspaper, even if she buys fast food for herself and her family on the way home from the music hall.
But if a woman, because she is well versed in all of the household arts, can do all these things and in fact does them for the people she loves
and for those whom she welcomes into her home (and she is not afraid of guests, because her is home is always just a whisk or two away from hospitality), we shake our heads and say that she has wasted her talents.
Not developed them, notice, and put them to use.
What IF it was ENOUGH to make beautiful things for OUR people? Try new recipes and not need to shout it to the world and delight in seeing OUR people enjoy it? Use our talents to serve them first? Why set the table especially nice tonight? Why pick fresh flowers? Why make from scratch anything? Why take the time to try a new hair do on her? Why put on clean sheets?
Because I LOVE YOU that's why!
My heart is there...to serve my people and make this their home! I panic because I am NOT the accomplished woman that he described above. But I want to be! I want to be in MY OWN way. I always come back to wanting order and wonder to thrive here, but I know order is first. I long to make my baby girl something with my hands, a blanket maybe, but for now it is keeping house and school. AND that is OK..and I find the girls and I are learning as we go.
I have older girls now too, who are asking to do these things.
My eldest wants to cook more...and ON HER OWN.
She picked a dinner off of pinterest, I made sure to purchase the ingredients on my next shopping trip (which was easy since I found it on her board she set up on my account while in the store!) and well..she did it! She made dinner: Salisbury meatballs and mashed potatoes. She peeled every potato and made every meatball. We certainly praised her and she swelled with this big win of having served our family. I secretly celebrated that I LET her.
And I emphasized most that she was doing this for OUR family, for her people and that we felt loved by her.
I'm not going to lie, I am very much lacking in energy these days and a hot shower is my new best friend, but I am feeling quite motivated by all this..this...love all on your own people and learn and perfect things for THEM season.